மதமாற்றம்

விதையை எரித்து மரம் மட்டும் போதுமென்றால்,

மரத்தில் வசந்தம் இராது, 

மதம் என் விதை அல்ல, 

மதம் பரப்புவோர் மனதில் மதம் விதையாய் இருந்தால்,

என் மனமும் விதைஊன்றி கொள்வதை 

தவிர்க்க முடியாது!

காதல் தீபம் 

விடிந்தும் விடியா நேரம் ஏற்றிய மெழுகு தீபம்

என் காதல்,

திரியாகத்தான் என்னை எண்ணியிருந்தேன், 

தீயே உன்னை தாங்கி பிடிக்கும் வகையில், 

ஆனால் மெழுகு நான், காணாமல் கரைகிறேன்,

உருகுதல் தியாகமா? உன்னை விலகும் வேகமா?

நீ தீயாகவே நிற்கிறாய், 

விடை தெரியாது நான் கரைந்து கொண்டேதான் இருக்கிறேன்!!!

மரண தூரம் 

இனிக்கும் குரலில் இதயம் கிழிக்கும் மொழிகள் பல சொன்னாய், மயங்கி தான் போனேன், 

மயக்கத்தில் என் இதயம் கிழிய போவதை அறியவில்லை,

 

பளிங்கு கரங்களின் வெதுவெதுப்பில் என் இரவுகளில் கிறங்கித்தான்  போயிருந்தேன்,

நீண்ட உன் நகங்களின் மர்மம் அறியவில்லை,

பின்னிடை வரை நீண்ட கூந்தலில் என்னை நானே தொலைத்து திளைத் துதான் இருந்தேன்,

கூந்தல் காட்டின் இருளின் பயங்கரம் அறியவில்லை, 

கடற்கரையில் இயற்கையாய் அமைந்த இரு மணல் மேடுகளாய் உன் மார்பழகில் என்னை புதைத்து இருந்தேன்,

அதுவே என் கல்லறையாகும் புதிர் அறியவில்லை, 

அடியே, உன் பார்வை விழும் தூரம் தான் என் மரணம்,

என்னோடு நீ நடந்தால் மட்டுமே என் மரண தூரம் முன் நகரும், 

நின்றுவிடாதே, என் கால்கள் நிற்காது, மறந்துவிடாதே!

A lose but not the one

I remember I just I joined a day before, but today here we celebrate our farewell treat , how fast my three years college life ran away?! , it makes me feel amazing, how fast my three years have gone?!, I m sitting at the back end of the auditorium, having two long size notes on my lap, its now 12.30PM, program getting towards its end, many students performed manythings on stage, when there was musical treat on stage by boys, I remember i went musical class during my 11^th standard, I went there to learn keyboard, it was my dream to become a musical director, I joined class for 200rs per month as fees after some emotional negotiations, I went there everyday, I just went, I dint learn, I showed to my people I know that I am learning music, especially girls in my tution, I just went there, luckily I could learn to play a lead of the super hit song at that time, I bought a keyboard, second hand, I made my friend to come home, I played that son before them, I even made new friends to show that I can play song in keyboard, unfortunately I dint learn anything except that song lead, it was my interest, but all basic musical notes made me feel bore, gradually I stepped down from the class, I stopped then.

The program getting its end, correspondent giving his speech now, I still remember that musical show, I am playing keyboard on stage, unfortunately I am the only audience, I feel no shy, I dance while playing, I sing, I hum, I am conducting the musical co ordination, I give signs to drummer to correct his rhythm, smile on my face, no fear, no stage fear, I feel I born for stage, to be on stage, in front of crowd, no fear really, audience are applausing, boys giving whistles, girls making big sounds at me, they are enjoying while I am playing, wow, wow, its amazing relly amazing, how fortunate I am!, I am entertaining the big crowd, I am wearing boots matches to m blue jeans, black jacket covering round neck T-shirt, my T-shirt has che-guvera picture, its my pleasure in front of this crowd., It feels good really.

Correspondent done his speech, its over now, the program happening in the reality as well as in my mind, everything got over, its 1.30PM now, feeling hunger lightly, came out of the auditorium, standing under the big tree, its summer time, we gathered there, around 15 boys, I am there but I am not in?!, yes really I am not in, I don’t who is my friend, a real friend, boys cracked some jokes, laughing, I did, when there is a joke, we should smile at it right?! Yes I did but did I really smile?! I am not sure about it, I smiled artificially many times, artificial smile comes naturally for me!  How talented I am!, is ita real talent?! No right?!, it just a tool to be in crowd, to be a part, I am smiling, yes I feel in, in the group. Cracked jokes at me, I smile, I do cracking jokes, they smile really, am I a good joke cracker?! I doubt myself!

Hostellers went in hostel for lunch, day scholars planning to have  lunch in college canteen, they invited me, I denied it, I have 20 in my pocket, money is not a problem, they can sponsor me, they will, I know but I denied it, I am not why I denied but I use to do this always, denial, I am living just a kilo meter away from college so I can have lunch home, save money, that may be the reason why I am denying!  Crowd disappear, emptiness there also as always in my mind, started walking towards the college gate, posters everywhere for the farewell, very colourful posters, I am not involving in any of these things?! Why? Am I really interested in doing things like this?, yes I think but I ever done these works in my life time so far, why I am not been done this ever if I am interested? Then how can I think I m interested in this?! Strange, really strange!, yes I do have many strange things in my mind. Does everyone think strange?!

I am stepping out now out of the college gate, there I am seeing a crowd, students crowd, I am alone walking, I don’t know anyone there in the crowd, I don’t want to go there, I am feeling emptiness already, I am alone, loneliness around me, decided to walk to my home, I do this often really, inspite of hot summer I am walking, it’s a one-way traffic road, I am stepping onto the platform, walking all alone, a bus crossing, boys are enjoying their travel by singing songs, playing drums on the bus body with their hands, old people’s faces look so hard, girls smiling. Suddenly I am there, I am singing, drumming, girls laughing at me, I smiled back at them, gave my note books to them, one girl secretly looked at the name in the first page, I noticed it, I knew it and that’s why I gave her my notebooks.

Bus passed away from me, I am walking all alone, I am thinking, what I am doing? What I been for this 3 years in my college life? I was not taking part in any activities, 3 years cultural happened, nowher my part, department festivals, nowhere my part, Am I good in studies then? No, absolutely not, I took bachelors in maths, why I took maths? It was given, yes it was given, I remember I cried to my maths teacher in seventh standard. i took first group in higher secondary per my tuition teacher advise, had a dream to either a doctor or a engineer, now I am completing three years, now I am bachelors in maths! How strange it is, I write poems, I do watch films, I had a dream to write a song for my own music, to compose music for my own movie, yes, I had dream to be film director also, how strange, I struggling between my ambitions!, I am walking, I am thinking while walking, weight of my strange thinking’s in mind certainly make me feel that I am loaded.

I am alone, I was not me so far, me gone away long back, it is all empty, who am i?! searching for it. Why I am alone? Why I am not me? Where I am? I don’t like this person, this person is always boring me, where I am?!, I need that person to get in,get in me I say! This person always denys, this person is being denied by others even by parents, yes he denies and he being denied, I looking for my friend, If a person make me smile from my heart, I would really want t make him my best friend but that person deny me sometimes, I would lose my natural smile, he cannot be my real friend then, who is a real friend? Do I have any definition for a real friend? No, I really don’t have, its just denial, I am being denied always, I am denying always, now I am alone all alone, but this is not me, the person who just completed 3 years college is not me, the person who walks alone to home is not me.

I am there on stage performing, I am there in the crowd, cracking jokes, making people laughing, I am on foot board in bus, that girl secretly opening first page of my note book to know my name, I smile at her, she smiles back, walking with three friends, riding a bike, triples, in canteen with the group, sighting at the other department girls, making them smile at me, wearing shoes, correct size upper coat, wearing jeans, coolers handing on my round neck T-shirt, I never be alone, always there will be a crowd around me, I am playing a major role in the crowd, people call me for going movie, bunk classes, they don’t think I will deny the proposal, I am in theatre, making whistles, receive warning from the theatre security.

Nearing my home, all alone, sweating, wearing light colored shirt and the formal pant, sandals on, its 2PM now, refreshed myself, undressed and now with shorts , taking rice on plate by myself, while eating got a message from friends, they are going to movie, matinee show, they invited me if I like to join, I done eating. Lying on bed, its 2.30 now, getting ready, dressed again, taking my bag, stepped away from home, heading towards the bus stop to start my part time courier job.